Titanium

Weekends always have a funny way of getting under my skin. I don't know if it's the time of the week where (by default) I'd have alcohol expectations, or the haphazard dinners, or the hopeless napping.

It always comes down to this. Every Sunday it all comes crashing down and I realize that magic is not real and neither is this, this is not feasible, most of all I have been deluding myself thinking that I am truly happy.

I tried thinking about happy moments but I find myself struggling with my reasons for recording and representing these parts of my life. If no representation is ever truthful, my words and expressions are finite, and even if I pen it down these thoughts fight to leave my mind unless I re-read them, then why do I bother? My memory is a broken sieve, some times it frustrates me to no end.

I wish I knew what I was looking for.

Ray gun

Tonight feels lonely despite everything that's happened today, the company and the laughs. Right now I am sitting here 4:44 AM and the night seems like it can stretch endlessly all the way to infinity, and no phone calls or tv or writing that I can imagine will bring any comfort. Music's my only salvation tonight.

I've always wondered about why people feel lonely, what loneliness really is and do we really spend our lives just occupying ourselves to get away from ourselves? And why some days it feels so good being physically alone but some moments like these singularity becomes very, hollow? I can't find a word for it.

Rootless skin

It would be nice to live in the early ages before science and religion, facts, air travel... Spending unlimited time wondering if the firmament is a solid cover, and what lies between the earth and the sky.

These days it feels like all brilliant things have been said and discovered and repeated a thousand times, and there isn't even time to think of anything new because I'm tangled up in a schizophrenic frenzy just trying to catch up with all that has been, and I'll never even finish that.

And even when I'm not trying my thoughts are of mundane superficial things like finding a birthday dress which is really annoying because I am wanting to think and do other things, but I have to deal with one thought at a time and some of these just, linger for really long and take up more than their fair share of time.